Ketchup is God's man juice
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
its liver damage thursday
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
