ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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