3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
home. puking in laundry basket.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
