It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
