Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
COCAINE IS GR8
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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