Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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