Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
