I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
