He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
