is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
