What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
