he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
