Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
