My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
