My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
