Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
