I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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