woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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