ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
