apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize