A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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