I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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