Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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