Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
