Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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