I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
