i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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