I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
