just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
