Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
