im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
