I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
