Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
