Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
