Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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