my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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