My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
