The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
