I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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