your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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