Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
