Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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