Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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