No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
