when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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