I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
