It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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