My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He felt like a one man threesome
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
