i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
the liver wants what the liver wants
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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