discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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