Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
