I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
