Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
