tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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