I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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