I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
