Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
His nipple licking is glorious
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