You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
