Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize