I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
