I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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