i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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