Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
