I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
