After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
